Thy Own Life's Key
by liebedance
Summary: Lily and Remus were study partners, and then they were friends. But, now, Lily thinks they'd be rather good as something more.


Written for mwpp_mischief's Rare Pairs fest on Live Journal

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><p>It was funny, Lily thought, that it had all started here, at this very table in the back of the library. Three years ago, Lily had been struggling with an Ancient Runes translation when Remus had sat down at her table, requesting help in Potions. She had agreed in exchange for his assistance. And from that initial arrangement, something beyond "study partners" had budded.<p>

They'd discovered a common love for chocolate and classic novels, a common passion for Defence Against the Dark Arts. As her relationship with Severus had withered over the following two years, her friendship with Remus had bloomed. She found out his secret – his _disease_, as he called it – and pulled him into their first real hug. She told him about how she didn't feel like she quite belonged in the Muggle world _or_ in the wizarding world. Because she knew that Remus would understand what it felt like to not belong – would understand more than she did.

Maybe it wasn't 'funny', per se. Maybe that wasn't the right word. But it certainly was _something_, especially since neither of them had continued their dreaded subjects past OWLs. Especially since Lily could never had anticipated how her own feelings towards her friend would change.

"Remus?" Lily asked, shaking off her thoughts and looking up from her essay on antidote brewing.

"Hmm?" Remus replied without raising his eyes, apparently too engrossed in his own essay.

"No, this is a full attention type question." Lily rolled her eyes slightly, taking his quill from his hand. She needed to make sure he was listening. The question had been bothering her for weeks – months, really – and it potentially stood in the way of… something else.

"Hey! I was writing."

"And I was trying to talk."

"I swear, when it comes to letting me work, sometimes you're just as bad as James and Sirius." Lily narrowed her eyes. "Okay, you're not. They would've dumped my ink well on me _and_ snatched my quill."

"Remus."

"Okay, fine," Remus said, a small grin forming on his face. "What's so important that you had to distract me from my duties as a student?"

"It's about Potter," Lily answered quickly, before she could reconsider her decision to actually ask the question. Usually, the fact that Remus was friends with James was, to Lily, merely an inconvenience. The other boy was annoying, arrogant, and a complete prat, yes. But, Lily valued her relationship with Remus more than her animosity towards Potter, so she often let it go. Now, however, that bothersome friendship could, perhaps, prove useful.

"Yes?" Remus prompted. "What did James do this time?"

"Well, it's not so much about what he did _this time_. It's more about what he's been doing all year, if you know what I mean."

"I don't."

"Does he mean it, Remus? He keeps asking me out – hasn't stopped, really, since last May – and I don't know if he means it. Is he being serious, or is he just taking the mickey?" Lily _hoped_ that Potter wasn't serious. It wasn't that she _liked_ being teased; she didn't, and especially not by _him_. But it certainly was better than the alternative: that James Potter actually fancied her.

"Why do you want to know?" Remus asked after a moment. He was looking at her curiously, a slight frown on his lips as though he were trying to figure her out.

"Does it matter?" Lily returned, though she had a slight feeling that it did matter. To Remus, at least.

"It might," he answered, confirming her suspicions.

"Well, it's mostly a query of curiosity," Lily rushed to explain.

"Rubbish, Lily," Remus said with a sigh. "You wouldn't have stolen my quill if you were merely curious. I'm not going to answer you until you tell me why you're suddenly curious."

"It's just…" Lily bit her lip, trying desperately not to blush. She didn't want to give Remus the wrong idea – the idea that she was asking because she fancied Potter. No, the real reason she was asking was both more embarrassing and more tolerable. "It's just, if he _does_really fancy me, then it could complicate... things."

"What things?" Remus asked, raising his eyebrows, and Lily was certain her face had reddened.

"Just… things. Don't worry about it." Lily lowered her eyes as to not look at Remus any longer. "It's not that important. I should get back to my essay." She picked up her quill and reopened her textbook, trying to ignore two things. One being that Remus most definitely had not believed either of her feeble excuses. The second being the fact that he had not returned to his own essay, but was still studying her like a puzzle. 

"So, which of the Marauders would _you_ choose to snog, Lily?" Anna Whiting's question accosted Lily as she entered the sixth year girls' dormitory that evening.

"What?" Lily stopped just past the door jamb, rucksack half off her shoulder, and stared at her roommate, wide-eyed.

"I've always thought that I'd choose Potter or Black," Anna continued, apparently oblivious to Lily's shock. "But, now, I really think I'd prefer Lupin."

"Lupin?" Elizabeth Abbot asked. "Why Lupin? I think he's gay, anyway."

"He's _not_ gay," Lily informed the girl, rolling her eyes as she did so. With a sigh, Lily dropped her bag and sat down beside Mary on her bed. "Love, tell me these two aren't going on about snogging the Marauders again."

"I don't think we can go a full term without this conversation," Mary replied, a look of mock gravity on her face.

Lily couldn't help but smile. It was true; at least once per term, Anna presented the girls of her year with this same question. Surely, Lily thought, it was Anna's way of fuelling her unnerving obsession with Black and Potter. Only, this time, apparently, Anna's interest had changed. And this was something that disturbed Lily even more than the girl's unwarranted fixation. Because despite all their flaws, Lily could understand why a girl like Anna might fancy Black or Potter. They were handsome, with those ridiculously irresistible bad boy attitudes and cocky grins.

But, Remus Lupin was an enigma. He was kind and intelligent. He was quiet when the occasion called for it, but he was capable of wit so sharp that even Professor McGonagall could not always stifle a smile. He seemed so _normal_ - or at least as normal as a sixteen-year-old wizard could be. But underneath that façade was the truth of what he became one night a month.

Yes, Lily thought, Remus Lupin was so full of contradictions that he didn't quite make sense. And, maybe, that was why Anna was suddenly interested in him – or, at any rate, in snogging him. Remus Lupin, however, was not simply some enigmatic mystery for a shallow sixteen-year-old girl to solve, some bloke to snog. He was much more than that. Surely - _surely_ - Anna should be able to see that.

"Lily!" Anna's voice pulled Lily from her thoughts, and she looked up. "_Well?_

"Well, _what_?"

"Honestly, Lily, have you been paying attention at all?" Anna asked, an incredulous look on her face. "How do you know Lupin isn't gay?"

"I just know," Lily replied, trying to keep the heat from rising in her face. "We're mates. Mates know those sorts of things, don't they?"

"I guess," Elizabeth said slowly. "But I've never seen him so much as look at a girl, let alone anything more."

"Maybe he's just not interested," Anna suggested, turning to Lily for confirmation. "I mean, I've never seen him look at a bloke before, either."

"Well, he's not uninterested, and he's not gay," Lily informed them, somewhat indignantly. _She'd_ seen him sneak looks at girls, even if her roommates hadn't. Really, her roommates' antics were irking Lily more than they should be, she knew this. But her new and rapidly progressing feelings towards Remus were muddling her emotions.

And then, as though she couldn't control her mouth, she continued, "He's picky, is what he is. And I doubt he'd snog you, Anna. You're not his type." Lily stood up and turned to Mary. "I think I need some air. Fancy a walk, Mare?"

"Sure…" Mary said, glancing across the room at the dumbfounded Elizabeth and Anna before casting Lily a confused look.

"What is with you, today?" Mary asked, once they were safely out of the dormitory. "I know you don't enjoy those question games any more than I do, but you were almost _mean_!"

"I don't know," Lily answered, though she was fairly sure that she did know. She was fairly certain that her reaction wouldn't have been nearly so strong if they'd accused Black or Potter of homosexuality – though, nobody with eyes could ever accuse them of such. No, Lily's response was very much due to the fact that her dormmates were talking of snogging Remus. 

Lily stared deliberately at her Defence book, trying to force herself to actually take in the information she was reading. So far it wasn't working; she'd just read the same paragraph for the fifth time and had no idea what it was about. Too much of her energy was being taken up by preventing herself from glancing across the table at Remus.

Ever since the events of the previous week, it'd been difficult for Lily to focus when Remus was around. And Lily couldn't help but wonder if he was stopping himself from looking as often as she was stopping herself from looking at him. Were there more to his smiles than the greeting of a dear friend. She'd thought there was. She was _sure_ that his hand had lingered longer than was strictly necessary when she'd handed him a spare quill. But was it just her imagination, just delusions of her own desire?

"This is pointless, Lily," Remus said suddenly. "We're not getting anything done. You're not really reading, and I've hardly written an inch on this essay."

"I am too reading," Lily fibbed.

"Are not," Remus countered. "You've been on the same page for half an hour."

"It's a very dense page."

"I'm sure it is," Remus replied with a grin, causing Lily to stick her tongue out at him. "I'll make sure not to doubt you again."

"You'd better," Lily teased, an exaggerated scowl on her face.

"I don't know why you wanted to study on a Quidditch day," Remus said, setting down his quill in apparent resignation. "It's impossible to get anything done, even if you're not mad about the sport; the whole castle feels different."

"Yes," Lily agreed, grateful to be given an excuse for her own lack of focus. "Say, are you going to the match?"

"Of course I am." Remus chuckled. "James and Sirius would have my head if I didn't, first match of the year _and_ against Slytherin. They about did Peter in – detention for skipping Herbology last week. You're going to watch Mary, I presume."

"I watch the whole team," Lily insisted. At Remus' snort of incredulity, she added, "Well, I _do_. I support all of Gryffindor, not just my friend. Besides, I'd die bored if I didn't watch the Chasers and Beaters, too."

Remus just nodded, and the two of them fell into silence. Lily bit her lip. An idea had formed in her mind, but she wasn't sure how to present it to Remus. She wanted to go to the match. Even more so, she wanted to go with him. Things between them seemed to be teetering on the edge of something, and Lily was afraid that if she asked straight out, it would seem like a date.

"Remus," Lily started slowly, trying not to feel awkward. It wasn't – shouldn't be – anything to become flustered over. Yet, Lily could feel the back of her neck heat up as she continued. "I don't have anybody to go to the match with – used to go with Severus to matches... Anyway, it seems that you don't have anybody to go with, either. We should go together."

"Brilliant idea," Remus said, a lopsided smile forming on his face. "It's a date."

"Great," Lily said, trying not to give Remus' words more significance than they truly deserved. 

Watching the match with Remus had been both normal and strange, Lily thought as she sat drinking a spiked butterbeer at the after party. It'd certainly been more _fun_ than watching with Severus or Mary. He wasn't surly and passive aggressive nor did he prattle on about strategy and statistics. He was an enthusiastic watcher, and it was clear that he knew more about the sport than Lily did – a result, he assured her, of living with Sirius and James for five plus years. However, Lily found herself wanting to hug him after scores – as she would've done with Mary – but was unsure of how he'd react. He'd never been the hugging type of bloke, at least not with her. And a hug between them – even a celebratory one – could have crossed some invisible line.

Lily sighed and took another sip of her drink, shaking herself out of her thoughts. It had gotten quite late; most of the remaining students were in fifth year or above. Lily knew that she should try to wind the party down. She was a prefect, after all. But her mind was feeling slightly fuzzy from the drink, and she didn't see any real need to put an end to everybody's fun.

"Hey," a familiar – and not unwelcome – voice greeted. Lily turned her head to see Remus sitting down beside her.

"Hey," she replied, grinning a bit.

"Isn't this usually about the time where you decide it's time to end the fun?" Remus asked.

"I was just thinking about that," Lily answered with a laugh. "I think we're fine. Nothing _too_ crazy is going on-"

"-clearly you aren't watching that closely-"

"-and I think we all deserve a little fun, what with the state of the world right now," Lily continued as though she hadn't been interrupted. She took another sip. "Plus, I'm rather enjoying my drink."

"Butterbeer?"

"With firewhiskey."

"A classic choice, to be sure," Remus said. He turned to look at her, and Lily couldn't quite place the expression on his face. It seemed to be an odd cross between determination, longing, and regret. "Listen, Lily... we need to talk."

"We're talking right now, aren't we?" Lily asked, smirking. But she knew that wasn't what he meant. Those four words were _never_ that simple. And they rarely meant anything good was about to happen.

"Not here... I mean, let's go into the corridor, yeah?" Remus stood before Lily had time to reply. She swallowed, and nodded – more to herself than to him – before standing up as well.

As she walked acros the common room behind Remus, the noise of the party seemed to fade a bit, become almost muted. She could feel the alcohol more, now. The warm buzz had grown, and she felt almost separate from her body. Everything seemed a bit surreal, not quite there. Was it due to her inebriation? Or was it due to her expectations of the conversation to come?

"James likes you," Remus said as soon as they had made it through the portrait hole.

"I know he likes me," Lily replied, trying to shake her head clear. "Asks me out every other day, he does."

"No," Remus insisted, "I mean, he _really_ likes you. He's falling for you, and hard."

"Well, he's an arrogant berk," Lily retorted, unsure as to why Remus was telling her these things. Especially now, while they were both slightly drunk. "I'd rather date the Giant Squid than him. I'd rather snap my wand. I'd rather-"

"I _know_," Remus interrupted. "But he's my best mate."

"You want me to give him a chance because he's your best mate?"

"No! Well, yes, maybe." Remus was stumbling over his words. "He's a good bloke. He's normal – not broken or cursed or... Let him show you that."

"I don't care," Lily said, suddenly angry. Remus had no right to tell her to give Potter a chance, no right to tell her what to do. "I don't fancy him. You know that. I fancy someone else, Remus. And I think you know that, too, from how you're talking."

"Lily," Remus warned. But she could tell he didn't really mean it. He _couldn't_ mean it. No, she'd seen the looks he gave her, seen the way he smiled just for her, the way he would study with her even when he understood the material.

"I like you, Remus," she went on, not caring that her boldness was likely due to the alcohol in her. "And you like me, too."

"But, James..."

"Sod James!" Lily said, quite louder than she'd intended. She could feel hot tears welling in her eyes – out of anger or frustration or genuine sadness, she didn't know. But she didn't care. She didn't care if people could hear, or who might walk by. "Sod James bloody Potter."  
>And, before she could stop herself, before she could let common sense kick in, she was moving towards Remus. She grabbed his hands and pressed her lips against his. For a split second, Remus didn't respond, didn't move. And then, he responded, returned the kiss enthusiastically, pulling her closer so that no space was left between them.<p>

It was nothing like she'd imagined it would be. There were no sparks or internal fireworks. She didn't swoon or feel light-headed. But, somehow, it felt right. His hands slid to her hips, hers to his shoulders. Their lips moved against each others with awkward familiarity, as though _somehow_ it was the next step after talking.

Another type of buzzing was slowly filling Lily's mind and body as the kiss deepened, quite separate from that of the firewhiskey but even more intoxicating. It was _Remus_, her best friend, her study partner. He tasted like gin and chocolate, and she couldn't get enough of it.  
>But as Lily moved to deepen the kiss further, Remus pulled back. A slightly panicked expression was on his face.<p>

"Lily, we can't do this," he near-whispered.

"Yes we _can_," Lily argued. She tried to lean in again, but he resisted.

"James is my _best mate_."

"Bully for him," Lily replied. "I told you, I don't care."

"Well, I do," Remus said, his voice louder. He dropped his hands from Lily and stepped back. "I can't do this to him. You should know that. After all he's done for me... I can't."

"He doesn't really like me, Remus," Lily said quietly, looking into his eyes. "How can he? He doesn't even know me. But, Remus, you do know me. And you do like me, don't you?"

"I do, but-"

"But, _what_? You know everything about me, we get on great, we have the same taste in books and chocolate. We're perfect for each other."

"It wouldn't work. And I'd lose James; he'd never forgive me. I can't lose a friend"

"What about me?" Lily was pleading now, the tears were escaping her eyes and falling down her cheeks. "Aren't we friends?"

"We are, Lily," Remus said. He grabbed her hand and gave it a slight squeeze. "We can be friends, but nothing more than that. I don't want to ruin it."

"But that's not fair," Lily whispered. She didn't bother to wipe the tears from her face.

"I know," Remus said, squeezing her hand and casting her a sad smile. And, though he hadn't actually said them, the next words - _but life isn't fair_ - pounded through her mind. Cliché, but true nonetheless, and oh-so applicable. Because life never would be fair, not for a werewolf and a _Mudblood_.

Lily buried her face in her hands, unable to look at him anymore. She knew she should consider herself lucky to have such a great friend, consider herself lucky that she could probably have any boy in Hogwarts. But she didn't, because the one boy that Lily wanted was the one she couldn't have. And this rejection by her _best friend_ was almost unbearable.

"Give James a chance; he'd be good for you," Remus repeated, and though Lily couldn't see his face, she could hear the pain in his voice.

Lily felt Remus' arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace. She returned it, clinging to him. And even though she knew it wasn't, even though she knew that she and Remus would never stop being friends, the hug felt like goodbye.


End file.
